Rotten mood...

Quite honestly, today has been a tough one.... I've had a heavy heart all day, and I haven't been able to shake it and get out of my funk.

It was one year ago today that my Grandma passed away. One Christmas. One Easter. One 4th of July. One Halloween. One Thanksgiving. One year of birthdays. One entire year filled with many memorable, but ordinary days. It was the year that my third child was born, the year Katherine started school, and the year that Caleb truly came into his own.....

Oh, how I wish she could have seen Andrew and held him. She would have loved him so.... She loved all of her great-grandkids. I remember how she'd always beg to hold Katherine when she was little, and then not want to give her up. She always laughed about what a "baby pig" she was! Grandma always looked forward to when we'd visit her in the nursing home.... She was so proud to show her off, and talked about her non-stop to anyone who'd listen. Katherine was always so sweet and doting with "Grandma Krekow". She'd sit on her lap in the wheelchair for hours and be wheeled around the nursing home and later hospice. I was worried that Katherine was too heavy for Grandma to hold in her final days, but every time I suggested that Katherine hop down, Grandma would just pull her in close and hug her, not wanting to let her go. And Caleb -- She always had such a sweet spot for him. His antics always made her laugh, and his endless boyish energy always amazed her. Actually, the last time anyone heard her *really* laugh was at Caleb. It was one of those deep down belly laughs that is just good for the soul. He always brought out her sweet side, and whenever she saw him she'd get the most wonderful little twinkle in her eye. I'm so glad he was able to bring her such joy in her final days.

I really wish she could have seen Andrew...... I wish she could have held him ..... I wish I had one picture of the two of them together..... I wish I had that memory for him, but I don't..... Katherine always reminds me that Grandma got to see him first. They were in heaven together before Andrew came to us. She got to hold him there. She got to kiss and hug him before we did. She got to know him before we ever did. How wise she is for 5...

Oh, and the ironic thing in all this ... today is also one of my best friend's daughter's first birthday. It's the cycle of life coming full circle....

To top that off, I have a baby shower to go to this Saturday at Glenn Oaks. It's going to be one of those beautiful, posh showers and I had to find something new to wear. So ... tonight I told Matt to meet me at the mall after work so that we could eat dinner and then he could take the kids while I shopped for some new threads. As it worked out, Andrew was sleeping so I took him with me while Matt took Katherine and Caleb to chat with Santa.

Oh. My. Goodness. If there's one thing that instantly puts me in a rotten mood, it's shopping for clothes. I was just foul. As soon as I walked into Gap, Andrew woke up and refused to stay in the car carrier. So here I am, shopping for clothes while pushing a stroller, carrying a purse and holding Andrew. Fun times, let me tell ya! I will say this, as long as Andrew was being held, he was fine, but trying on clothes???? Yea, that was a little problematic.

About half way through the shopping expedition, Andrew decides that he's hungry. Thankfully I was in the dressing room anyway, so I took some time out from trying on all 50 pair of jeans I had with me (none of which fit well) and snuggled with Andrew. Really, that was my only saving grace in all this. Other than those few moments of peace the rest of the time was PAINFUL!! I was totally on my own nerves!!

When he was done eating, I had the *super fun* task of trying on the remainder of the clothes in an attempt to find something to wear. All during this time, Andrew screamed. And screamed. And screamed some more. I'm sure everyone in the entire mall heard him. At one point, I wanted to sit down and cry with him. Nothing fits. I'm way too "thick". My boobs are so out of control that no shirt looks acceptable. My belly is disgusting. Right now, shopping for clothes is pure torture. Shoot. Chinese water torture would probably be more enjoyable!

Anyway, I ended up buying jeans and some shirts, but nothing that I'm really stoked about wearing to the shower. I guess it'll have to do. Most importantly, I'm glad it's over. Oh, and the best part of this little story ... Andrew fell fast asleep as soon as I was done checking out. It's like he knew how horrible it was for me and was determined to help me cry it out! Like I said, I'm glad it's over!

However -- there is one good thing in all this... I've decided that I'm sick and tired of being heavy, so starting tomorrow, I'm going on a diet. Actually, I'm going to start exercising again. I'm going to get into shape and lose this baby weight that I've been carrying for far too long. I'm tired of it. So .... The immediate goal is 20 pounds. Ideally, I'd like to lose closer to 30 or 35, but realistically if I could lose 20 pounds I'd feel soooooo much better. I'll keep you updated on my progress on a weekly basis, so if anyone wants to join me on this weight loss journey, either leave a comment or send me an email at ann hanson 1 @ gmail dot com (no spaces) and I'll send out recipes, etc.. for your reading pleasure! Here's to the first 20 pounds ... may they be gone by ????